Cat Physics

Law of Cat Inertia:
    A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food,  or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Magnetism:
    All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

Law of Cat Sleeping:
    All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation:
    A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Obedience Resistance:
    A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for him to do something.

Law of Energy Conservation:
    Cats know energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation:
    If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Bag / Box Occupancy:
    All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Furniture Replacement:
    A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
(Boy, is this one true, we never had a problem till we bought leather!!!)

Law of Cat Disinterest:
    A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection:
    Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition:
    A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.

CAT BATHING AS A MARTIAL ART
by Howard "Bud" Herron

--Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the
advantage of strength. Capitalize on this advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open
area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet
square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to
take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain
quicker than a politician can shift positions!)

--Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all skin from your body. Tp protect yourself, I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

--Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your
flak jacket.

--Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will
not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.

--Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom
door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo.
You have begun on the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

--Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not
expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the
water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

--Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally
are worn out by this time. Drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now
the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your
towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens,
the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

--In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about
three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and
develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

--You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get
through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disqust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed.

Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was.....Hmmmmmm. Not working according to plan.

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foaming chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of the accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can
wait, it is only a matter of time.

*          *          *

A dog thinks:  Hey, those people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me.....They must be gods!

A cat thinks:  Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me..... I must be a god.

*          *          *

Cat Heaven
 
A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, 'You've been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all  you have to do is ask. The cats says, 'Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the  same offer that He made the cat. The mice said, 'All our lives we've had to run. We've been chased by cats, dogs and even women with brooms. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore.' God says, 'Say no more.' And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks,  'How are you doing? Are you happy here?' The cat yawns and stretches and says, 'Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!

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